I sh*t you not.

In 2021, my husband and I traveled to Spain. We explored ancient cities, toured museums and cathedrals, and ate our weight in patatas bravas. But of all the wondrous new things I discovered about Spanish culture, nothing was so wondrous as the bidets. Many bathrooms come equipped with one — toilet paper and very old plumbing don’t mix — and while intimidating at first (“do I... do I just kind of waddle over there...?”), I came to love the contraption. There’s really nothing like the bracing rush of water on one’s bottom to let you know you’re well and truly tidy. But there was a downside to this cultural exchange: ever since coming back from Europe, using toilet paper alone has felt... uncivilized. Alas, installing a bidet at home in my tiny, 1962 bathrooms was out of the question.

So, when a PR rep from Tushy asked me if I was interested in trying out the Tushy Classic 3.0, a bidet attachment that can be installed directly onto your toilet, I was intrigued, hopeful, and somewhat skeptical. I’d been pining for a bidet for years, but how was something that attached directly to my toilet going to compare to an entire appliance? Surely it wasn’t going to be nearly as effective. Friends? It surpassed not only my expectations, but my hopes.

The Tushy is a slim contraption that you install underneath your toilet seat. Simply unscrew your toilet seat, place the Tushy on the bowl, connect the device to your toilet’s water supply, and put the toilet seat back into place. That’s it. The company says this process takes 10 minutes, which is normally corporate speak for 20 to 30, but my partner really did get it attached and working in that time.

Once installed, it’s ready to use. Just do your business and turn the knob, which sticks out from the side of the toilet seat. The nozzle will move from its resting, downward position at the back rim of the toilet bowl and spray a jet of (clean!) water directly on your b-hole — and I say “directly” because you decide the perfect angle for you depending on how far you turn the nozzle. There’s even a little switch near the knob that will angle it higher than the standard rinse if necessary. The more you turn the knob, the more powerful the spray, which can range from “dainty spritz” to “OMG AHHHHH!” Whatever your preferred intensity, in about 30 to 60 seconds (honestly, 60 seconds feels like overkill but sh*t happens, as they say), your bum will be thoroughly cleansed. Just pat dry with a small amount of toilet paper and you’re done.

In introducing me to the brand, the PR rep for Tushy was kind enough to send along the “full Tushy system.” This includes the bidet attachment as the centerpiece, along with...

This stool allows you to prop up your feet when you use the toilet and aligns your body into more of a squat. This position actually does help you poop better and with less strain.

Like a toilet scrubber, but instead of a brush that we all just close our eyes and pretend isn’t disgusting and crawling with germs, the Tushy brush isn’t so much a brush as a claw gripper. With it, you pick up lemon and tea tree oil-infused, biodegradable coconut husk scrubbers that can be tossed after a single use.

Basically, a toilet paper stand, but instead of holding a roll of paper, it holds a box of bamboo tissues. The idea behind this design is that you’re not going to mindlessly tear way more paper than you need, but rather just take one or two tissues to pat your bottom dry. I was mildly skeptical of the claims that the tissues were flushable, mainly because “flushable” doesn’t mean “septic- and sewer-safe.” You can flush a whole lot of things that will clog your toilet, folks. (Yes, we’re talking about you, wet wipes!) But, after some research, it appears that, yes, bamboo toilet tissue is not only flushable but safely flushable.

Allow me to answer this question with a screenshot of a text exchange between me and my husband after he installed the Tushy Classic 3.0 that was gifted to us...

“We’re gonna need one of these for upstairs too,” he wrote along with a picture of the Tushy installed in my (very retro) bathroom.

“Yaaaaas!” I replied. “It’s good?”

“It’s easy to install and sprays DIRECTLY up your a—hole,” he replied bluntly.

And indeed, we did go out and buy a second within a few weeks, for all the “pro” reasons listed above. If I had a third bathroom, I’d have bought a third. Remember when I said that using a toilet without a bidet feature felt uncivilized? Well, that extended to my own home — when someone else was in the downstairs bathroom, I had to go upstairs and do my business like a peasant. Ultimately, we didn’t go for a second full system, though we did consider springing for a second Tushy ottoman, and may still do so in the future.

For this I would like to quote my 11-year-old, whom I consulted when I decided to write about this. “I would say once you have it you realize that you cannot now live without it. It’s just all around good. Using it is just fun.”

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